Hey Reader,
Not too long ago, I had a disagreement with a colleague. It started over something relatively small. A missed deadline and some miscommunication around roles. But I let my frustration lead the conversation. When threatened, I became defensive, raised my voice more than I meant to, and said a few things I immediately wished I could take back.
The conversation ended abruptly. I walked away feeling like I had proven my point, but I also had a pit in my stomach. I hadn’t solved anything. I had just made the situation worse.
A day later, I called and apologized. Not for the content of what I said, but for the way I said it.
I let my emotions run the show.
The cost was high: trust.
Thankfully, the relationship recovered. But it was a powerful reminder that no point is ever worth damaging a connection.
Let’s be honest. Difficult conversations are just that: difficult. Whether it’s confronting a team member, setting a boundary with a client, or navigating tension at home, the stakes always feel high. We want to be heard, respected, and understood. And if we’re being real, we often want to win.
But here’s what stopped me in my tracks while reading Jefferson Fisher’s The Next Conversation: You never actually win an argument.
Even when you think you’ve won, you usually lose something far more valuable. You lose a sense of trust, safety, or even the relationship itself.
Fisher’s approach to communication isn’t about talking louder or persuading faster. It’s about learning how to stay grounded, listen better, and speak in ways that protect the relationship while still being clear about what you need. And trust me, I’ve learned this the hard way.
Reminders from The Next Conversation
Here are a few strategies from Fisher’s book that have reminded me how to approach hard conversations.
1. Drop the Armor and Lead with Curiosity
When emotions are high, we tend to armor up. Our posture shifts, our voice hardens, and our mind races to defend itself. But as Fisher points out, nothing good happens when both people are in battle mode.
Instead, start with curiosity. Assume there’s something you don’t know.
Try this:
"I can tell this really matters to you. Help me understand your take on it."
You don’t have to agree, but asking with sincerity can completely change the tone.
2. Pause Before You Push
When I feel misunderstood, my instinct is to jump in and clarify (read: correct). But Fisher’s advice to pause before responding has been gold. Taking just a few seconds to breathe and regroup helps prevent your reaction from becoming the reason the conversation breaks down.
Try this:
Before you respond, ask yourself, "What do I really want to come out of this?"
That pause puts you back in control of your delivery and your outcome.
3. Focus on the Relationship, Not the Win
This one is tough, especially when you know you’re right. But being right isn’t the goal. Being effective is. Winning the moment often comes at the expense of the relationship.
Try this:
Instead of saying, "You’re not listening to me," try,
"I think we’re looking at this from different angles. Can we talk it through?"
It creates room for collaboration, not competition.
4. Say What You Need Without Burning the Bridge
Being kind doesn’t mean being passive. Fisher shows that it’s possible to be clear and firm without being harsh.
Try this:
"I value our work together, and I need us to have a better process going forward."
This balances care with clarity. That’s exactly where strong leadership lives.
I’ve come to believe that the most effective communicators aren’t the ones with the quickest comebacks. They’re the ones who stay grounded, stay curious, and stay connected, even when it’s hard.
The Next Conversation helped me realize that how we say something matters just as much as what we say. When we learn to show up differently, we don’t just get better results. We build stronger relationships along the way.
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A Little Bit About Regina
I'm Regina Taute (say Howdy Taute and you've pronounced it right) a seasoned talent leader with experience in leadership and organizational development. I started Collective Growth Coaching and Consulting to partner with organizations to develop wildly practical and effective talent strategies. As a credentialed coach and certified in MBTI and Hogan assessments, my passion lies in unlocking potential and driving sustainable growth by helping individuals and teams thrive in today’s evolving business world.
It would be my honor to join you for a complimentary 30-minute coaching session to help solve a current challenge with wildly practical solutions or to meet with you one-on-one to chat and get to know you.
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